(Picard) “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”

(Geordi) “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) “What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?”

(Data turns to answer.) “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”

(Picard) “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”

(Data) “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”

(Picard) “Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”

(Data) “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected ‘upgrade’.”

(Geordi) “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”

(Picard) “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed.”

(Data) “Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the ‘upgrade’. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

(Riker) “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”

(Geordi, excited) “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”

(Picard) “Data, what does your scanners show?”

(Data) “Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”

(Picard) “Lets wait and see how long this ’solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”

(Riker) “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”

(Geordi) “As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.

(Picard) “How much time will that buy us ?”

(Data) “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”

(Geordi) “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”

(Picard) “Identify.”

(Data) “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo”

(Over the speakers) “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS”

(Data) “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”

(Picard) “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft”

(Riker) “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!”

(Data) “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits”

(Riker and Picard together horrified) “Lawyers !!”

(Geordi) “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”

(Data) “True, but apparently some must have survived.”

(Riker) “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”

(Data) “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’ – it often proves fatal.”

(Riker) “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces !”

(Picard) “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that.”

James Doohan, the Canadian actor who portrayed Scottish chief engineer Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, made his final voyage today at the age of 85. He was still making his way as a “Miracle Worker” at age 80 when his wife gave birth to their daughter, Sarah. His last public appearance was in October 2004 when he received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. His wife, Wende, of 28 years was by his side when he passed on to the final frontier.

He will be missed by many people across several generations. My thoughts are with his family, friends, and fellow fans. May his legacy live long and prosper.

A few news articles if you want to know more (can you tell I rely mostly on the BBC for my news?):

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | TV and Radio | Star Trek’s Scotty dies aged 85: Doohan, whose role was immortalised in the line “Beam me up, Scotty”, had been suffering from pneumonia and Alzheimer’s disease, his agent said.

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | TV and Radio | Obituary: James Doohan: Star Trek’s impact became apparent when he was awarded an honorary doctorate in Engineering from the Milwaukee School of Engineering, after half the students there said that Scotty had inspired them to take up the subject.

BBC NEWS | Have Your Say | Star Treks’s Scotty: Your tributes

PEACE.

I just recently returned from one of the funnest weekend trips of my life. A few years ago I had gone to Las Vegas with a few friends and talked them into making a side trip to the Las Vegas Hilton for one purpose: To ride Star Trek: The Experience — a live-action simulation of being kidnapped by Klingons from the future, transported to the Enterprise, and then evacuated by shuttle craft back to Earth. In my opinion more fun than Star Tours at Disneyland. Afterward we ate lunch in Quark’s Bar & Restaurant where I realized I needed my friend Joan to experience all of this with me someday.

Finally, Joan and I made plans to attend Creation’s 3rd Annual Official Star Trek Convention at the Las Vegas Hilton (coverage by TrekNation). We arrived via United Express on Friday morning and spent the entire weekend watching some of our favorite celebrities speak on stage to an audience of around 3,000. Many of the fans were dressed like their favorite character in their Federation uniforms, or as Klingons, Borg, Andorians, or Ferengi. We even saw a Jedi Knight who said his powers wouldn’t work in this universe.

We started the weekend with George Takei, saw several other celebrities throughout the weekend, and ended it with a dual appearance by Shatner and Nimoy. In between speakers we wandered around the convention room where there were booths selling any kind of sci-fi trinket, weapon, picture, or action figure you could think of. Celebrities of other sci-fi tv shows were also there getting in on the action (like Richard Keil of James Bond movies, and Herb Jefferson Jr of Battlestar Galactica). In the evenings Joan and I hit some of the casinos like Paris, MGM Grand, the Luxor, and we even saw the water show in front of the Bellagio. Saturday night we nearly walked ourselves to death and then decided (ok, needed) to get some root beer floats before returning to our regeneration chamber.

Every day was as fun as the last and I can’t wait to do it again. Maybe next year.

(This was originally posted at the main page of my website on August 3rd. I reposted here on August 17th so that it will be included later in my blogger archive.)